Like Ripples in the Water

White and minimal and yet it spoke to me like a story. It was with your mysterious ways and sly smile that caught my attention. There was something there, with your head on a pillow, seemingly sleeping your troubles away. And with your profound thoughts and creativity that shone brightly like the first time you opened your eyes on a beautiful morning, blinding but warm. I write this for you whom I loved and lost to someone you chose to be with the moment you met. And to the mistake that cost me you, I wonder if it was indeed my fault or was it him who 'stole' you from me. Regardless, I know you're happy now and like a pill I swallowed the bitter truth that you are in the arms of another. When C was Zee and Christmas wasn't merry, I called but you did not answer, it was then I shed a tear that created ripples in the water and that, as they say, was that.

It was a late night at the office. It was half past eight when I decided that evening to head home. I just came back from Galera with Vicky that weekend and I was inviting him to meet me for dinner but he refused. I got out of the building and to my surprise saw him walking casually with his usual I-pod-big-bag-cap-tattered-shirt-not-minding-anyone look. I called out three times but he obviously did not hear nor see me. I had to rush in front of him to catch his attention. He saw me and was equally surprised but in the glad-to-see-you sense. I felt there was something cold about him that night. I felt it. It was as if he did not want to see me. But persistent as I was I forced him to talk about 'us'. A topic he clearly avoided for so many days. It was then I found out that all the months of dating were flushed down the drain.

"So, did you go out with him?"
"Yes. I did last Sunday."
"And are you going to see him again?"
"We already did."

I knew that was it for me, two consecutive dates with another guy that instantly told me that I am officially out of the picture. I've known him for about 6 months to be mistaken. I was leaving for Jakarta in a couple of days and it brought me a sense of relief to be incommunicado for a few weeks. At that point I really did not want to speak or see him.

Weeks later I came back and knew that I had been replaced. Probably not by someone better but definitely with someone he was more compatible with him. I silenced my aching heart and urged it to beat for his happiness. And while it still hurt there was nothing left for me to do but watch from the side, look at the pictures and pray that someday I'd find me own. And when the ripples in the water subsided it became clear to me. It was simple, white and minimal, I had taken this pill that somehow made me stronger --- a pill I called Vitamin Zee.

Confessions of a Commitment-Maniac

*poof* … and then the handsome young prince turned back into a frog.

Just when you said that you found the one, destiny turns its wheel and you’re right back to square one. Lately, I’ve been diving into one relationship after the next. And after being into so many relationships (around 7) in just over a year, I am starting to think that there is something disturbingly wrong with me. My friends have told me time and time again that I should not even blame myself but I think otherwise. If I analyze it very well there are several things that will lead me to the conclusion that I am indeed a commitment-maniac. Here are some signs.

You know you’re a commitment-maniac when…

1. You meet one person and have an instant connection with and assume that this will be another beautiful relationship without even knowing his last name.
2. You spend next hour talking about previous relationships, asking about why it didn’t work. You ask for their names and pray you don’t know them or worse had sex with them.
3. You immediately ask for a number where he/she can be reached and instantly call with sweet blah-blahs.
4. When he doesn’t reply to your sms, you call and pretend to say you just miss talking when really you’re just bothered if he’s still interested.
5. On the first date you ask, “Are you really ready for a new relationship?”
6. If the answer’s a “yes,” you hold hands.
7. If it’s a “no,” you say,” I’m willing to wait.”
8. You’re demanding, setting rules and regulations like a kindergarten teacher.
9. On the third date, you say, “I think I’m falling for you.”
10. On the sixth date you say, “I love you.”
11. You force him/her to take dozens and dozens of pictures every time you meet just to keep the memories frozen but really you just want to tell the whole world you’re in a relationship and that you’re sweet.
12. You plan things like, living in together, opening a bank account, buying a dog, working at the same building or same office, brainstorms on pet names, plans out of town and country trips, wants to meet the parents and other family members, demands to meet friends, all in one week.
13. You break-up after a week or two, with reasons as petty as you failed to say the “three magic words” today.
14. You instantly sms, call, or advertise via YM, MSN, Friendster or Multiply that you broke up and now being back in singlehood is open for date referrals.
15. You cry less and less when you encounter break-ups either because you’ve grown stronger or just that you got so used to it.
And lastly,
16. You’re in another relationship after less than a month.

Now let me remind you that as this may not be applicable to everyone, these are based on the events in the life and loss of a commitment-maniac. I am neither proud nor happy that this has been happening to me in the past couple of years but it has been something I’ve learned to accept and now very much willing to change. I’ve learned from these ‘mistakes’ and I’m ready to go on a crusade to fight the mania. I guess part of being a commitment-maniac is to be blamed on the fact that I am a hopeless-romantic to the core. Nothing special here, just a simple guy who’s addicted to love and simple dreaming of the day when he would settle down, be happy with someone, hold hands , read a book, watch the TV on a lazy Sunday afternoon. Someday another frog will pass by his way and maybe turn into the prince charming he had hope for since he knew how to kiss.

Good Morning/Goodbye

And so it has come to this, after 5 years of an on and off relationship you decided to break my heart again and I decided it would be the very last time. We met at a very unlikely place and time. It was half past two in the morning when you stopped and asked me for directions. Who knew that a simple question would lead us to years of complicated love? I never expected that in one unlikely morning at half past one by June’s end you said your goodbye.

Did you ever wonder why is it that every time you’re sad, it suddenly rains. Perhaps it is Gaea’s way of empathizing with you.

It was a cloudy morning and I immediately knew that it was not the same. I could smell it as clearly as pancakes for breakfast. It was distinct. The wind felt dry and humid. The grass poised as tall as ever seemingly welcoming the first drop. It was going to rain, for I am sad. It was a day filled with anxiety. Eagerly anticipating what’s coming. I could not get out off bed. I wanted to lie there and sleep for a hundred years and wait for my Prince Charming to wake me from my eternal slumber. But life, my life, was not a fairytale. There is no Prince, only dragons. I rolled out of bed, dragged myself toward the bathroom. Doing the same routine. Bathe, brush my teeth, shave, dress up and get ready for work. But I really did not want to work; I did not want to move. All I could think about was that only a couple of hours ago you decided to call everything off. You did it with such coldness that could rival the Artic Sea. I did not understand why and your answers only led to even more complicated questions. I was dazed and confused. I only felt a sense of deep sadness and a nagging feeling of fear. I was scared that I will not be able to love the same way again or that I will be trapped in my vulnerable state. Both of which I did not want but had. I wanted to be over you the soonest but I did not know how. I’ve forgotten how to move on. So I drank to try and sink my sorrow to oblivion. It didn’t work. Alcohol was never a solution to anything. I turned to my friends for comfort and assurance that it was not my fault. And yet I kept blaming myself for something out of my hands. They were right. It was not my fault and the only reason I weep was because I believed that forever could happen to us. I’ve accepted the fact; the truth that it was just really not meant to be. I should move on now and try to be happy in my solace. And I know in time I will. When the rain stops I will dance outside to my own music. Music only I can hear, without you. I will stop dancing in the rain to hide my tears. Because this morning when I saw you again I decided to hate you and love you the only way I know how. On this beautiful morning after the rain, I said my very last goodbye.

A Million Little You (A Million Little Me)

Look at me.
I said, Look at me!
What do you see?
I see you through a glass.
And is there any difference? He asked.
None at all, I replied.
I see a person wanting to be seen, to be heard, to be cared for and loved.
But I see something real. No pretensions, no qualms,
Powerful, destructive in force, gentle in honour
I believe in the dreamer, the soul-searcher, who travels to lands unknown
only to come back empty.
What’s wrong with you?
Why do you think such things?
Because there is nothing more real than the truth
That you are too blinded to see.
And what truth is that?
The truth that you are no one.
I am someone.
I am passionate.
You are borrowed.
I am someone.
I am love-crazed.
You are conceived in my mind, moulded into no one.
Generic.
I am someone,
An individual.
You are a reflection. A mere magic trick of light.
I am someone,
Defiant,
Who wants to change the world,
Who wants to succeed because he can create.
You are to be shared.
A gift for no one.
I am someone.
Given to everyone.
A jester to all but yourself.
Ha-Ha-Ha! I hear them laughing.
Mocking you ridicule yourself in front of them.
Why do you do such a foolish act?
Humiliating yourself so that others can.
I do this for them and not for you.
Not for you but for them.
Listen. They are still laughing at you.
No. They laugh with me.
And what you hear is music to my soul.
It’s nothing but noise to drown the truth.
Be kind to yourself.
Do not inflict any more pain.
The truth that you are no one,
Everyone will not like you and you,
You should not even care.
But I do.
You do because you want more than you need.
Shut up.
No.
Stop.
I don’t want to hear any more of this.
You must listen and accept what is coming.
HA-HA-HA! Laugh more, cry even.
You are Narcissus who sank on his own vanity.
Loving yourself was never a sin.
But too much is a crime.
The mirror shatters
Into a million broken little pieces lay on the floor.
I knelt down.
Now, look at me.
I said, LOOK AT ME!
Who is it that you can see?
I see you.
A million broken little pieces of you.

Bopis and Valentine’s Day

“Noel, you’re wanted at the Principal’s office,” my teacher said. At first I thought it was something I did wrong but then I quickly realized that being sent to the office for putting gum under my desk wasn’t enough reason. I knocked and slowly opened the door to the office. I entered and saw my father seated. I was surprised to so him and wondered what he was doing there talking to my principal. “Get your things, we’re going home,” Papa said. He thanked the principal and signaled me toward the door. I asked him what he was doing there and he just said that we’re going to my grandparent’s house. The news of me going there filled my heart with delight. I got to leave the school early and I would get to spend time with my cousins playing. I couldn’t be more excited. We reached our house and I dashed to my room to change. I kept thinking I would get to see my cousins, aunts, uncles and most especially taste my Lolo’s bopis again and on a school night. What more could a stressed-out little boy want? It was quite a long drive from our house to my grandparents’ but I didn’t mind. I was just so happy to see them all. It was a quiet drive and Papa wasn’t talking. All I could here was the music on the radio. We finally arrived and I immediately jumped out of the car and dashed toward the gate. I saw a lot of unfamiliar faces at the porch but I was too fervent to even ask why. I began looking for my cousins so we could start playing. I got to the kitchen and there I saw my mom and aunts immersed into conversation. They stopped when they saw me. I kissed my mom and went around the table to do the same to my aunts and uncles. “Where’s lola?” I asked. “She’s in her room,” my mom answered. I ran to her room and found my other family members huddled around her crying. She wiped her tears when she saw me and I hugged her. I asked why everyone seemed so sad but no one replied. I shrugged and went back to the kitchen. I was hungry and I was craving for my favourite delicacy which my grandfather cooks so well, but to my dismay it wasn’t there. My mom suddenly took me by the arm and asked me to sit with her. The next few words I heard from her shocked me to my very core. I was immediately filled with so much pain and grief that tears filled my eyes and ran down my cheeks. I rose from her lap and went to the wall near the bathroom. I started kicking and punching the wall vigorously as if it was all to blame. I shouted and cried harder and when I grew tired I fell on the floor and cried even more. My heart was pounding and I was grasping for air. And after a while I became silent and rose from where I fell. I walked slowly toward my cousins’ room and at the corner of my eye saw my sister crying. My mom tried to stop me but I freed myself from her hand and ran toward the room. I wanted to be alone to dwell on the grief I was feeling. I locked the door behind me as I entered. I cuddled up on the empty bed and began crying again. Suddenly, I was filled with memories of my grandfather, Apo Ben. I remembered his antics and other fond memories of him. I remembered he used to jokingly touch me on my privates saying that he wanted to check if it was growing faster than me. He always said that I was chubby and unusually small for my age.

My grandfather died February 14 due to a heart attack. It was his third. I never tasted his bopis again and I don’t even remember the last time I did. But I remember all the lessons he taught me. He taught me so many things. He taught me how to laugh out loud. He taught me to love cooking. He taught me that art is beautiful and that creativity comes not from the hands of the maker but from his heart and soul. He taught me what beer tastes like. He let me taste my first when I was 9. He was strong and strict but compassionate and loving. He taught me about death for the first time by dying. He taught me that it was ok and that the life we had on this earth was only borrowed and can be taken away anytime. He taught me that crying was nothing more than expressing pain and to weep because when someone leaves you, you are allowed to mourn for a while. But then you have to let go and remember fond memories you have that will last for a lifetime. I never tasted bopis the same way again and Valentine’s Day was not only the day of hearts but the day when my great Apo Ben taught me how it is to cry and to weep then let go.

Love and San Mig Light

I wanted to write beautiful poems and wonderful essays, about love and every story behind its sheer power. I have always considered myself a love-crazed person. It was all I could ever think about, and for a time it was all I could ever write about. As one movie I saw clearly illustrated, they say that there are different kinds of live. A love that’s blind with one being more engagingly attractive than the other. A love that fades when two people have grown too far apart brings you spiralling down. A love that’s lost when one dies. A love found even in just one night—at a bar. And then, there’s the cruellest kind of love, the unrequited love. A person doomed to watch the love of another blossom in silent tears and with sweet goodbyes. And so, here and now I decide to write about love and San Mig Light.

A lit cigarette and a cold San Mig Light
An idea of a near perfect night
A quiet spot in a crowded room
Loneliness made by choice

Sweet nothings and cruel words
My heart and thoughts run amuck.
There so much beauty coupled with pain
I see in your face.

You loved and you lost, you lived and died.
In the passing of the day and the coming of the night
With your silent tear and sweet goodbye
We part.

Passion, depression, lies and fears
On giving up and holding on
A pen, a paper, a coaster and alone
Me, with love and my San Mig Light

My Body's Not Mine

You gave me this body
But it is not mine
You moulded me into something
In the image and likeness
Conceived in your mind

My body is borrowed
A gift to be shared, but
Scarred and tainted
With feelings of pain and love, happiness and tears
And of all things failed

You loaned me this body
For me to use as I please
But I decided unwisely
With vices, I destroyed it slowly
Cigarettes, alcohol, sex and vanity

My body filled with passion
You alone can feel
Undying, deep and giving
Stolen from a figure unreal
Copied from a shadow with your seal

Other bodies I envy
For they’re muscular and big
While mine, small and lean
Sickly and thin
And somewhat unclean

Youth and beauty
Things my body clings in desperately
But I know it shall fade, wither and decay
As certain as the sun, as mysterious as the moon
My body like all others will be gone soon

“Take care of me,” it said.
Love me like a mother would a child, it pleaded
Unselfishly, undaunted and without disregard
My body, a place for my head
And the heart that seemingly plays dead.

My soul cries, “free me from this cage!”
A vision of me on the edge
My body is different
Different from my heart
It was shaped, given, borrowed, full of passion, and it is not mine.

A Lesson In Dancing

Dance as if no one is watching: close your eyes

And picture no one but you and I

Surrounded by music that only we can hear;

Trust me. Believe. I tell you; soon I shall teach you how to fly.



Dance as if no one is watching: embrace your freedom

from a world full of pain

of man unjust, I offer you peace and a promise to live

and to dance to keep you sane.



Dance as if no one is watching: follow the beat

And feel its rhythm. Hear the sound getting louder

and faster, taking you higher and higher.

I am your guide and this your heart shall remember.



Dance as if no one is watching: across time and space

Share your love and release your passion,

Raise your hand and reach for mine.

This is a dance of our own creation.



Dance as if no one is watching: open your eyes

And look beyond what you can see. Listen

To your soul: “I am you and you have become me”

We are as one as heaven intended us to be.



Now, let's dance as if no one is watching.

A Poem For Mama

This is a poem to my mother, Menchie
Whom I caused silent tears
With my broken promises and failed dreams
Whose strict upbringing and moody temper
Have kept us all on our toes
“Mama, Let’s talk, I want to tell you something”
She listened and understood
All I had to say
That pain was never my intention
But grief was caused by my action.
I am sorry for the way I am
And yet you love me just the same.
You are my hero
A pillar of strength to be admired
For your rare smiles and brave spirit
Have kept me going to fight
The battle I thought I lost
I won because you were beside me
For a mother’s love will forever remain
Constant and steadfast in its undying will
To keep my best interest at heart.
And so, I write this to thank you,
For your passion, your care, your love.
My mother Menchie, enduring and patient
Ageless in the heart of his son.

For You Who Made Me Cry (Again)

I write this poem to you
who made me cry
is it love I feel or but a feeling of longing?
In this world I stand alone
Waiting for a comforting hand
To guide me along a confusing path
Memories I hold
Of happiness and tears, I treasure
Not knowing when this will end
I dream of tomorrow.
Uncertainty lingers
In the crying nights and
Confusing days, I crave peace.
But like all things troubled
Solutions shall come
And soon all these shall pass.
I beg you to forgive me
For the times I wasn’t there to be with you
When the rain poured and no shelter to be found
When the scorching sun burned your back
And pierced your heart
I wasn’t there to cover you with my shadow.
And so I offer this to you
Nothing superb, or spectacular
But true, honest and pure.
And for you who made me cry
I thank you for the tears and
The love.

The Room Was Quiet part 2

I remember the room. Quiet and I don’t hear anything. Not even the dogs were barking outside. I’ve gone deaf. And suddenly, I could hear voices from downstairs. I feel restless and uncomfortable. “Not now, not again,” says the voice inside me. “Aha! Patintero. That’s what I want to play later.”
“I wish its 4 o’clock already so I could play outside with my friends.”
“I wonder what they’re doing now.”
“I don’t want this! I beg you please stop! Don’t!”
I looked at the door in the hopes that it would magically open and Bioman or Astroboy would come and save me.
“Not there, please no, not there!” The voice inside grew louder but my mouth could not utter any words.
It’s hot and I’m sweating. I’m tired and hungry. I don’t want to be here. “Superman, come and save me!”
I see outside from the window and I hear the dogs barking. Do they know what’s happening to me? I wonder where Mama is, she’s probably still working.
I feel lifeless, empty and hollow. My mind is going places but my body could not follow. I’m crying because I feel hopeless. I can smell something I’ve never smelled before. I wanted to throw-u. When is this going to end? I want to play outside with my friends.
To think I remember all these which I tried so hard to forget. When I was six, I remember the room was silent and I’ve gone deaf.

The Room Was Quiet

I remember it was quiet for a while and I could not even hear any dogs barking outside. I lay on a mattress beside my bed. I could hear it creek. I was pretending to be asleep. I heard the wind blowing seemingly whispering something to me. I heard the bed creek again, louder this time. “Not so loud,” she said. My yaya was with someone again. I saw him before. I think he was our neighbour. I didn’t know his name. He was big like a dinosaur; dark skinned and had a deep low voice. I feared him.

It was ‘Numbers’ day at school and the teacher had asked us to take out our workbooks. “I hate Numbers Day,” I whispered to my classmate. “Really? Why? Ako, I love it!” she blissfully replied. I would rather have the recess so I can play with the turtles outside. And when the bell rang, I rushed to the door and found my usual spot. I ate my lunch quickly and immediately began playing with my friends. She was outside waiting, undoubtedly gossiping with others like her. I did not want to leave school. I wanted to play all day long. She screamed from afar and gestured for me to come to her. I refused to heed her call. I walked slowly, pretending not to hear nor see her. She screamed louder. I still didn’t look and continued to walk in a pace even the turtles at the playground would admire. I reached the gate where she was and looked back at the school I was saddened to leave behind. I saw my friends still playing while apparently waiting for someone to pick them up. Teary-eyed, I sighed. She shouted at me and instantly grabbed my ear as if trying to rip it off my head. “Baket ba ang bagal-bagal mo maglakad? Hindi mo ba naririnig yung mga tawag ko sa iyo? Ikaw talaga na bata ka!” She continued to shout at me far after we got home. She dragged me upstairs toward my room and asked me to change my clothes. I undressed as quickly as my chubby, little body would allow. I did not want to give her any more reason to get angrier than she already was. It was one-thirty in the afternoon and I knew that it was nap-time. The mattress was ready in its usual place, beside my bed. She forced me to sleep. I laid there, closed my eyes and in a curled-up position I acted to be asleep. But my mind was wandering and sleep eluded me. And half-way between dream and reality I heard the doorbell ring. The man spoke and I knew it was him. The deep low voice I feared resounded throughout my body. I started to shake. There were footsteps and I could tell they were coming up the stairs. The door opened and I shut my eyes.

I heard undecipherable words. Loud whispers but I could not understand what they were saying. And after what seemed like forever, she stepped out of the room. He slowly rose from the bed and walked toward the door. He locked it. In an instant, I know what was going to happen. It was the same as before. My body started to tremble uncontrollably. I willed it to stop. I could hear him coming closer to check if I were still asleep. I felt his breath on m face as he looked. And then, he picked up my hand and placed it on what felt like a warm, rough stick. My hand immediately jerked away. He held it tighter. I wanted to chew off my arm desperately. I wished so hard that the nerves in my body would die and my hand would go numb. He started to touch me, caressing sensitive areas of my body. I wanted to vomit. I wanted to scream and run toward the door. I kept willing my mind to go to a happy place; a place where he could not follow. Somewhere far from where I was then, where I was held hostage. But my body refused to move. Fear had paralyzed it. My mind was spinning. I was disgusted. There was no where else to go. I was trapped in the hands of a sick puppeteer. And I was the puppet, lifeless, empty. I was a mere child. I was only six and I remember it was quiet for a while.

Infinit* Paradise

Three days and two nights of glorious bliss.

We took the 5am ride bound to Batangas Pier with only 4 hours of sleep. Nothing's going to stop me from going to White Beach. It was time to take the much needed break from the stressful life at the office. Our biggest event of the year is about to come up and I filed a leave a week before. Heck, I was stuck in the province during the Holy Week break and even then Galera was all I could think of. I was all prepared. New board shorts, sunblock, cigarettes and condoms. We were all set for a weekend of sin.

It was still very costly. Room rates range from 2- 4 thousand bucks a night. We got the cheapest room we could find. One room, one bed, one bathroom and a whole lot of space for action.

The day started slow. Vicky and I went for brunch. And much to our dismay, the food tasted like crap so we decided to start drinking early. 12 noon. San Mig Light and Red Horse. Boy hunting to its highest level. It was literally raining gorgeous bodies, hot skinhead men, tanned chests, and a whole lot of alcohol. Stalker pictures galore. I couldn't think of a more perfect way to unwind. But being that it's a Friday and we were both on leave, work came pouring in as soon as we had our first drink. Still it was a whole lot better working at the beach than stuck in a cubicle at the office working your ass off while others take their 3 hour lunch break for God knows what kind of meeting.

So we savoured the fact we were there even though we never stopped taking calls from people at the office and sms'ing till our fingers got numb. So after one litre of Red Horse and 6 San Mig Lights, we were buzzed beyond belief but it felt sooooo damn good!

Saturday.
We vowed not to get drunk too early. (Yeah, that's right I skipped Friday night coz we basically slept. We were both so drunk we didn't even finish our Mindoro Sling. Lo and behold we were both asleep before 12 midnight.)

Saturday night was the best. We prepped for that night around 6pm. Got enough rest from the previous night so we were both fully-charged and ready to get our hands on some men. We went back to the same bar, hoping to get to meet the guys we were eyeing the previous night. Let's just say Vicky got more than enough that night and I GOT SQUAT! Though I still had fun with the fabulous music by no other than our good friend DJ TRAVIS at the Infinit* launch party and the free booze Atche was able to get out of those men. Still... I would have wanted to get laid that weekend.

(read all about Atche's adventure in her blog .... visit http://www.iamsucculent.blogspot.com/ for the story SOON!)

Overall, it was a great trip.

Dozens of pictures.

Lots of great men.

Supberb Company and a promise that paradise will remain.

What more can I ask for?

I will definitely keep coming back to the sin capital... with nothing else but a VENDETTA to get some of that action I missed and SHE had so much!

CHEERS!

Quarterlife Crisis?!

I’ve been doing some serious thinking recently and it’s causing me so much stress. Perhaps this is what they’re calling the quarter life crisis. I’m hoping that it will not cause me panic attacks or even some absurd emotional thingy.

I’m 25 years old, living with my parents. I have stable job that pretty much covers my daily expenses, unfortunately not my debts. No savings account. Lots of credit cards. Drinks almost everyday. Smokes habitually. Gay. Single. And you’re thinking what am I so afraid of? Hell what should I be worried about right? I might die due to liver cancer or lung cancer (or any smoking-related disease), alone and broke. Now, this may cause some of you readers to re-think your life but heck this is what I’ve been going through the past couple of months. So let me just share.

I remember when I was younger that I couldn’t wait to get older. Until I have. And believe me now that I think about it, I’d much rather be young and carefree than old and full of responsibilities. Good thing that I’m not thinking of raising a family or worse, getting married. I pretty much have to only think about myself. But as a single gay man in the big city, you don’t have many options. You either die with a “companion” or die in the loving arms of someone. I know some of you older men and women there would beg to disagree about this crisis. You might even say I’m still so young to think about these things. But I’d rather be thinking about these things now than 25 years down the road and I’m still single, broke and drinking.

They say you don’t know where you’re going until you know where you have been, right? So let us retrospect on my so-called adult life. Hmmm, 18 years old, where was I then? I was in college. Taking up a course that my parents wanted me to take, Political Science at DLSU. They wanted me to become a lawyer, as they were frustrated lawyers themselves. But much to their dismay, I graduated and I did not pursue law. I just felt that it was not for. All I knew was I wanted to make it big. I wanted to prove that I could be someone even without the law degree.

Eighteen was pretty much my wonder years. Lots of friends. I was going out almost every night. Slept over a lot. Tried a lot of things. Suitors left and right. Glory years how I miss you. I was young and fabulous. Around that time I met one guy whom I thought would be my life partner, Dominique (do-min-eek). Until, I found out he was screwing around. We lasted for almost 2 years.

After I graduated I went for the easiest job I could find – a call centre. I was there for about 3 months when I decided to quit the boring and monotonous world of the outbound calls (no offense meant). I sought better pastures and landed a job as a Business Development Officer for a trading company. Where I met one of my closest friends now, Vhal. I stayed there for about 2 years when I decided to jump ship when the company was losing money fast. I met my two ex-boyfriends when I was there, Erwyn who works then as a ground steward for Malaysia Air and Qantas. And Vince, whom I consider one of my greatest, if not the greatest love of my life.


It was late night and I opened my Friendster account. It was a busy night at work and I wanted to de-stress a little.

Message from Erwyn:
Hi! I like your pics. I hope to get to know you better.

I clicked on REPLY.

Noel:
Thanks for the message Erwyn. Maybe we could start getting to know each other through YM. What do you think?

I didn’t get a reply till the next night when I opened my account again.

Message from Leo, Ron, Mikaela, Cash, Erwyn…

I clicked on Erwyn first.

Message from Erwyn:
Eyy, thanks for the reply. Sounds like a great idea. Here’s my YM: h*n*hu*k*@yahoo.com

I decided to add him up and to my surprise he was actually online. We talked about a lot of things. The basics, like where you from, how old are you, what do you do, etc…
This guy seems to be interesting, sweet and real. Unfortunately he didn’t have a picture so I didn’t have a face to match with the words. It took some convincing for me to persuade him to send me his picture. I remember it was a crappy, blurred, and old picture that he sent. It took a couple of days more for him to send me another picture. It was still blurred, but it had promise.

It was my birthday and we were already sms-ing for a couple of weeks now when we both decided to meet up.

Hey. Merry Christmas! How are you doing?

I’m doing ok naman po. Just about to leave work. Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday to you! Ano plans mo for tonight?

Wala naman. I’m just here alone in Se*ttle’s B*st in Gre**nbe*t writing. All my friends are out with their families eh.

Ah talaga? Eh why are you spending your birthday alone?

Wala lang, eh kaysa naman maburo ako sa bahay. Eh di might as well lumabas nlang ako. Are you busy? You want to meet ba?

Hindi naman. Sure. Cge, I can be there in 30mins.

Great I’ll see you then.

We described what we were wearing so we’d recognize each other. Thirty minutes later a guy wearing what was described appeared and went inside. I was outside smoking. A few more minute later, he approached me and said: “Hi, are you Noel”

“Erwyn? Yeah. Hi! Nice to meet you!”

He was with a couple of friends. Probably as a plan B in case he didn’t like me. He could always come up with an excuse to leave. We chatted for a couple of minutes and decided to have a few drinks in Malate. And there, hours after we finally met he said I love you.

It lasted 3 months.

-0-

I met Vince in a most unlikely way.

Excuse me. I’m kinda lost. Do you know how I can get out of here?

Ahhh, yeah! You go straight and turn right at the corner, then left and when you reach the intersection you turn right again. Where are you headed?

Home. In Skyland near the Makati Fire Station.

Oh ok. Just follow the directions I gave you. I’m sure you’ll find your way.

Uhmm, where are you going ba? Maybe I can give you a ride?

Actually, I was about to go to Burger Machine, a few blocks from here. It’s ok. I can walk naman.

Oh no, I insist. Don’t worry. Harmless ako.

Ok then.

I officially became a pick-up boy. Haha! Can’t help it, this guy’s cute. And you guessed it. We didn’t end up in Burger Machine; instead we were parked in front of my house and talked until 5:30 in the morning.
It lasted for almost 2 wonderfully complicated chaotic years.


I was jobless for about a few months and decided to spend time to rest in province. My relationship with Vince was, to say the least, complicated. We were going through a tough time. Our relationship officially ended right about the time I found my next “transit” job. I landed in another call center. After all it was the easiest job to get. It was short and sweet. I met some of my good friends there, Clarice, Lisa, Maja, Mommy A, Mommy O, among a few. I had fun working there. Aside from the fact that it wasn’t exactly challenging I nevertheless made it easy to bear by going out everyday and de-stressing. Welcome to my Alcoholic Anonymous days!

“Hi! My name is Noel and I am an alcoholic”

No, I didn’t join the AA Club. But the rate things were going I was pretty much headed there. And so upon my regularization and possible promotion, after six long months, I resigned.

Still single.

My good friend Vhal said there’s an opening in the company she works for in Ortigas Center. My resume has been with her for a couple of months now. I had to choose between another company and I went for the better offer. A month later I was single no more. Met this guy in the building works at a different floor. Sweet, cute and half-Spanish we had the same age but had different wavelength. We were only going out for a few days when we became a couple. A couple of months fighting over petty things our incompatibility became unbearable. We decided to call it quits in McDo. Suddenly, like a blast from the past Erwyn reappeared ever hopeful and wanting us to get back together. It never materialized. He was still the same.

Vince and I never really closed the door to our relationship. It was still complicated when he decided to give it another shot and I chose to slam the door by entering into another relationship. It was the biggest mistake I made. I knew I still wanted Vince but when opportunity for another possible long term relationship came with someone else I hardly knew came knocking I bit the apple. He was promising but he broke my trust, ergo I called it off.

And just to prove my stupidity and stubbornness in love, I grabbed the next opportunity to make me happy. This time it was with a confused, narcissistic, childish fashionista. I ended up to be a rebound guy for him (though he refuses to admit this till today).

It lasted 3 weeks. But he kept coming back. I was immune.

Swamped with work. Jet-setting. Stressed. Depressed. I try and find comfort with the hope that I’ll still find one than can turn my world upside down. Still kissing a lot of frogs in the hopes that he’ll turn out to be a prince.
That’s it for fairytales.

And so seven years later, I reach the undeniable fact that I’ve grown older. I’m not as marketable as before. And recently I’ve been attracting the younger guys, fed up with ONS, tired most of the time, and often spend time alone. Which only attests to the fact that I am indeed old.

So we come to the dreaded questions: Where am I now? What do I want to do with my life?

Honestly, I got very little idea to the answers for those questions. But like before I still want to make it big. I still don’t know how though, but to dream is free. I’m planning to stick with this job for the next couple of years. After all I still love what I’m doing. And this job holds some promise for me. Love? Long-term relationship? Seems like it’s becoming more and more unattainable for me.

My friend recently got married. And aside from one obnoxious guest, it was near perfect. Another friend had a new baby. And another graduated from law (and passed) with his five-year boyfriend right beside her. I’m happy for my dearest friends but I can’t help but get envious with them. I’m starting to feel pathetic going in and out of relationships. It’s getting be a necessity for me more than a promise. My best friend said I should just wait. Be patient and it’ll come. As much as I would like to believe this, I’m growing tired of hoping, believing and kissing frogs. She said I should still go out on dates but this time just for fun. She knows very well that when I go out with someone, I pressure myself in the belief that this may be the one. “That’s just who I am,” I said. I’m still the hopeless-romantic and love-crazed person as before.

Soon these too shall pass…

9 months and counting.

Lights Off!

Daang taon ang aking inantay
sa paghanap ng iyong distritong tinahak
Pag alay sa bukas na tila nagalala sa paglalakbay
Kulang pa ba ang pangakong sa dugo ay sinulat
Nanalig sa bukas na dapat tayo'y magkapiling na.

Isa lang ang laman ng isip sa pag tuklas ng iyong nais
susuyurin ko ang buong mundo sa pagnanais na ika'y makita
malaman ang sa puso't diwa mo'y pagasa ang dala

Na sa piling mo langit sa iyong kanlungan
paalam na sa pagwari'y walang taning ang pagibig mo sa akin
bulag man o bingi sa katotohanan
hindi ako hihingi ng patawad
tangis ko ang luha
buhat ko ang iyong pangarap
akap sa aking mga kamay

Magkulang man ang pananalig sa akin
Tila walang humpay kitang iibigin
wag kang bibitaw sa pagasang muli
At kahit ika'y maglaon sa ibang lugar
Ako'y magaantay

"Asahan mong mula ngayon pagibig ko'y sa iyo"

Sunduin mo ako sa aking paguwi
salubuingin sa katapusan ng aking paghihintay.

for the angel behind the mask...

I remember.

In a room full of people
I saw you.
A glimmer of a face
The sparkle in your eyes
Seem to light the room.
And then, it was only you the mattered.
The smile that pierced my soul
Coaxed my heart to beat
I found an excuse
To simply know your name
And if this is the only thing I’ll hold
I shall keep it tight.
A simple message
Forced me to understand why

I cannot be there
It’s not my time.
The sky seemed dark
And for that moment
Fate intervened.
Pretensions. Truths.
And so I wait and hope
Staying beneath your shadow
I offer support.
I did not want to intrude
But to you I say these words…
I wish to care for you
The way you have never been cared for before.
Let me be the one to complete you
The way you wanted to be filled.
Le me be there
To watch and admire.
Let me hear your voice
And listen to every word
Le me share your pain
And comfort you through the every ache
Let me believe,
Someday you’ll look at me and say
Forever.